I think you're beautiful. You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar!

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

If you haven't got anything nice to say
about anybody, come sit next to me

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Have a nice day. . . somewhere else.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it

I saw a butterfly with no wings this morning. So I poured some Red Bull on it...

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark

Unfortunately for me, mirrors don't talk. Lucky for you, they don't laugh either!

what's better than winning a gold medal at at the para-olympics.
Having legs.

Sum1 askd,"how does it feel to luv sum1 who doesnt luv u back?"
Aftr a deep breath I answerd, its lyk huggin a cactus. D tighter u hug,d more it hurts!

He who smiles in crisis has found someone (must) to blame.

Sucess is just like being Pregnant.. Everybody congratulates you.. But Nobdy knows.. How many times you were FUCKED for it..

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Your dating my Ex? Oh that's cool, I'm eating a cheeseburger, do you want these leftovers too??

If you say My body is a temple, then you get down on your knees and pray

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming!!!

Beauty runs in the family,but it ran past you!!

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason

English would have been much easier
if shakespear's mom had an abortion

when the world kicks your butt thank'em for pushin you forward

it takes patience to listen. it takes skill to pretend you're listenin!

Dear karma stop fucking with me don't you and god have something better to do

What did the penis say to the Condom? Cover me I'm going in !

True love is like a ghost ... Everyone talks about it but very few have seen it

Money does not buy happiness...it only pays for the illusion

WRITTEN IN A RESTAURANT : All our Waiters are married - they know how to take ORDERS!

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?

A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?

A. Good morning girls.

Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A. A wet nose.

Q. What’s the definition of trust?

A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

in my next life I want to come back as a Table Cloth, cause U get pulled off and laid 3 times a day!!!

What do gynaecologgist and pizza delivery men have in common? They always get to sniff it, but never get to eat it!

Taj Mahal is the greatest Erection ever made by a man for a woman.

Success should not go to head and
failure should not go to heart

Q:Why does every man need a woman?
A:Because the dishes would get to piled up without one

Why did God create man before
woman?
He didn't want any advice....

Didn't eat breakfast I was missin you, Didn't eat lunch I was missin you, Didn't eat supper I was missin you. Didn't sleep I was too hungry

In my personal opinion...if you hear the words "you're smothering me" you're not holding the pillow down tight enough

A NEGATIVE person sees the glass of water half empty..A POSITIVE person sees it half full..But a REALISTIC person adds Scotch Whiskey to it & says CHEERS!

Just be yourself, you idiot.

I'm the opposite of psychic. I don't
even know what I'm
thinking

3 fastest means of communication?Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten
this before.'

‎"My wife doesn't know what she
wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

an optimist is a person who calls bullshit a fertilizer

Thespaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in

Men are like commercials: sound good but you know its false advertisement.

I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like... the vending machine!;-)

I'm always in the right place at
the right time... just on the
wrong day

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me
are excellent.

Man to wife on wedding night- “ Are you sure I’ m the first man you are sleeping with?’ “ Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!’......... :) f

I should have known it was not going to
work out with my ex. It was all in the
signs. I am a Libra and she is a bitch...

If you see the teeth of the lion, do not think that the lion is smiling at you

i swear to BEER i didn drink... GOD!

One lady drove me to drinking. the irony....I never got the chance to thank her.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Dear Sleep, I am sorry.. we broke up this morning I want you back !

True friendship is when your best friend runs off with your wife and you are worried about him.

If you avoid all eggs, you'll never eat a rotten one; but then you'll never eat a good one either.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Too young.................is just a name in China.

I talk to myself when I dont find smart ppl around!

Someone told me that My life is based on a True story

1 Million sperms and you are the fastest!!!!

Life is not a box of chocolates it's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today _might burn your ass tomorrow.!

Damn true Cause of poverty:

"Indian Beds R More Fertile Than Indian Lands"

Every girl wants a guy who hugs her when they're watching a scary movie, who gives her his jacket even when he himself is feeling cold, who will always be the one to make her laugh, and most importantly he will love her for who she is................and that guy is what Google calls 'No Results Found'

What did Adam say to Eve?

Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

GOOD FRIEND: GET WELL SOON
BEST FRIEND: Howz the nurse dude?? any hot ones u found?

when someone asks u its too late why r nt u sleepin??? ask if they can... with you??? n ur ready to sleep.

DON'T GO TO BED ANGRY, SIT BACK AND PLOT YOUR REVENGE!

My dad's joined facebook, I said WTF...
Dad said: What is this WTF?
I said: Welcome To Facebook...

I am not schizophrenic, and neither am I.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

A husband was asked, do u talk 2 ur wife after sex? His answer, depends on if i can find a phone.