He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.

My job is secure. No one else wants it!

what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

I asked if she liked my handsome face or my sexy body. After looking me up and down, she said my sense of humor

5 steps to a LOVELY MORNING Close ur eyes, Take a deep breath, Open ur arms wide, Feel ur heartbeat, & Say " Its too early. Let me sleep again."

i am the best among the left.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

Don't cheat,Don't lie,Don't steal,Don't sell drugs.The government hates competition

If hardwork was the key to success, then donkey would have been the king of animals...

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I
realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole
a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

I Never Did My Homework 2 Get Punishment Of Standing In Front Of My Angel's Bench Just 2 See Her For The Whole Period

A tragic Love-story:A Pig fell in love with a Hen..one day they kissed each other!Next day,the Pig died of Bird Flu!& the Hen died of Swine Flu!

I Don't Fear To Lose Her.But..My Fear Is That.."Who Will Love Her Like Me..?

If u feel little bored, little sick, little sad or lost, u know whats wrong? u r suffering from lack of vitamin 'ME' so stay in touch with me

The biggest similarity between Ur first Love and First drop of Rain is That how much even U try 2 escape from it...! It catches U.

Sometimes I feel that waiting 4 u in my life,is like waiting for bus at a railway station

I wish I were a teddy bear, lying on your bed, so if you dreamt of someone else I'd punch you in the head

Pain & Rain hv a strong bondingWen u r in deep pain u cry like a heavy rain&Wen u see rain...u MISS ur loved ones and feel the same pain

Once upon a time, there was a boy who was in love with a girl, but that girl didn't love him... girl lives happily everafter.. but the boy writes quotes here

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

A touching Story:A little boy saw a puppy. He went near it & touched it. Again he touched it. Again he touched it. Oh! What a touching story

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Three words to ruin a man’s ego…“Is it in?”

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Someone sent me an email about using Vodka for cleaning around the house? It Worked! The more Vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nothing to say during an orgasm

After much advertising and hype, thousands of men visited the new TOPLESS RESTAURANT only to find it had no roof

Don't bite the hand that feeds you! Not enough meat! Go for the Thighs instead !

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

we spend so much money on buying different clothes..... without realizing the best moments are spend without clothes..

Time must be healing my broken heart, as I now know this... Your opinions of me were wrong - I am not that bad. My opinions of you were wrong, too - you weren't all that great.

Mars and Venus? Nope. The only problem between the genders is that we each have the others needs and wants backwards. Men want to be needed, and women need to be wanted. Not the other way around. It's that simple!

It's so hard waiting for the right person when the wrong ones are so hot!

Sometimes one thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Someone stepped on my foot today & asked “did I hurt you?” so im a good girl, I stepped on her foot(harder) too & asked, “can you feel my answer?”

A professor didn’t like the way students kept looking at the clock, so he wrote this sign beneath it “Time will Pass, but will YOU?

Didn't we just have Monday last week?..

My Golden Rule: If the police didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Dear Girls waiting for their price charming,
Please stop having sex with all the frogs that approach you,
Sincerely,
The Prince Charmings.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

My biggest regrets are also my greatest accomplishments.

When on a movie date, try the old "Popcorn Trick." A girl goes to put her hand on your crotch, and SURPRISE! She gets a handful of popcorn.

Let the most beautiful dream come to u tonight. Let the sweetest person come in your dream tonight. But don’t make it a habit because I’m not free every night.

When a guy sweeps you off your feet, he's doin it coz he treats u like dirt

It was time to go home, to go home without each other. I said I love you, he said the same. I said call me when you miss me, he smiled and kissed me. I walked towards my car and my phone rang...

You probably won't remember the test you failed, but you will never forget the person you were with the night before, when you decided not to study

Girl: "If you love me why don't you ever tell me?" Boy: "Because it is hard saying I love you to a girl when you never told a girl before."

A man becomes valuable when a girl drops a tear for him

Man in hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my wife? After making call he asked how much to pay? Devil: Nothing. Hell to Hell is free.!

Alcohol doesn't solve any problem, but then, neither milk does..

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

I liked it better when Bugs Bunny was the only one always saying 'What's Up?'

abundance is the mother of contraception !

Police arrested me for killing a girl. I just proposed to her... she died out of happiness. oh jeez save me

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

I just left my girlfriend thinking there was plenty of fish in the sea, but BP soon ruined that.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

Opportunity is a bald man with a beard: You can catch him coming, but you can' t catch him going

Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face...but then again why should I improve the way you look?!

is wondering what his dad meant when he says 'I should have rolled over and shot you out the window'

The guy who discovered the milk, what the hell was he doing with the cow........

All girls are beautiful, after the lights are switched off! -Shakespeare.
All boys are strong, before the sperms are let off!- Shakespeare wife.

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