Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"

Guests and fish starts to stink after two days.

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

‎90 people have Swine Flu & everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS & nobody wants to wear a condom.

Never try new moves in bed, your partner will NOT be enjoying it. Instead they'll be wondering who you learned it from!

When a girl says "no",
a guy hears it as "try
again tomorrow."

Confident Lines on a LIQUOR SHOP "Men Who Love A Girl Truely,Will One Day Love Me Too...

I Chose The Road Less Traveled. Now Where Am I

No object is so beautiful that it will never look ugly.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
...If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
You better hide, the garbage collector is coming!
You're the reason God created insults for.

Accept that some days you're
the pigeon, and some days
you're
the statue.

I Chose The Road Less Traveled. Now Where Am I?

To err is human.
To forgive is against
company policy.

A girl is always RIGHT...just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable and even downright stupid...but not WRONG

I love rumors. They tell you things you didnt know about yourself

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side

Don't abuse alcohol...just drink it!

save water,bath with neighbours
daughter.

You’ll lose a lot of money, chasing women.
But you’ll never lose women, chasing money!

Keep all ur troubles in ur pocket, but make sure dat ur pocket has a hole.

I hate ppl that say " He's a nice person once you get 2 know him." They might as well just say " He's an a$$h&l#, but u'll get used to it."

Nothing: often a good thing to do, and almost always a clever thing to say.

You don't lose if you get knocked
down, you lose if you stay down

How to face life's most stressful situations: -> Live life like a dog. If you can't eat it, And you can't hump it, Piss on it and walk away!

Once i was in love & he broke my heart into pieces &
it helped me a lot.
Now I can love different guys with different pieces of heart.

You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.


It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

Don't love the 1 who is beautiful for the world,
love the 1 who makes ur life beautiful.

finished the first day of being a optimist-could have been better.

Don't be upset if people preferred another one to you.. its hard to convince the monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas!

"Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them."

Love, no matter how hard u find it, u won't see it.....no matter how hard u try u won't get it but when ur about to give up, it comes....so I will give up 1st to see and get it easy.

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.

My job is secure. No one else wants it!

what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

I asked if she liked my handsome face or my sexy body. After looking me up and down, she said my sense of humor

5 steps to a LOVELY MORNING Close ur eyes, Take a deep breath, Open ur arms wide, Feel ur heartbeat, & Say " Its too early. Let me sleep again."

i am the best among the left.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

Don't cheat,Don't lie,Don't steal,Don't sell drugs.The government hates competition

If hardwork was the key to success, then donkey would have been the king of animals...

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I
realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole
a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

I Never Did My Homework 2 Get Punishment Of Standing In Front Of My Angel's Bench Just 2 See Her For The Whole Period

A tragic Love-story:A Pig fell in love with a Hen..one day they kissed each other!Next day,the Pig died of Bird Flu!& the Hen died of Swine Flu!

I Don't Fear To Lose Her.But..My Fear Is That.."Who Will Love Her Like Me..?

If u feel little bored, little sick, little sad or lost, u know whats wrong? u r suffering from lack of vitamin 'ME' so stay in touch with me

The biggest similarity between Ur first Love and First drop of Rain is That how much even U try 2 escape from it...! It catches U.

Sometimes I feel that waiting 4 u in my life,is like waiting for bus at a railway station

I wish I were a teddy bear, lying on your bed, so if you dreamt of someone else I'd punch you in the head

Pain & Rain hv a strong bondingWen u r in deep pain u cry like a heavy rain&Wen u see rain...u MISS ur loved ones and feel the same pain

Once upon a time, there was a boy who was in love with a girl, but that girl didn't love him... girl lives happily everafter.. but the boy writes quotes here

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

A touching Story:A little boy saw a puppy. He went near it & touched it. Again he touched it. Again he touched it. Oh! What a touching story

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Three words to ruin a man’s ego…“Is it in?”

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Someone sent me an email about using Vodka for cleaning around the house? It Worked! The more Vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nothing to say during an orgasm

After much advertising and hype, thousands of men visited the new TOPLESS RESTAURANT only to find it had no roof

Don't bite the hand that feeds you! Not enough meat! Go for the Thighs instead !

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

we spend so much money on buying different clothes..... without realizing the best moments are spend without clothes..

Time must be healing my broken heart, as I now know this... Your opinions of me were wrong - I am not that bad. My opinions of you were wrong, too - you weren't all that great.

Mars and Venus? Nope. The only problem between the genders is that we each have the others needs and wants backwards. Men want to be needed, and women need to be wanted. Not the other way around. It's that simple!

It's so hard waiting for the right person when the wrong ones are so hot!

Sometimes one thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Someone stepped on my foot today & asked “did I hurt you?” so im a good girl, I stepped on her foot(harder) too & asked, “can you feel my answer?”

A professor didn’t like the way students kept looking at the clock, so he wrote this sign beneath it “Time will Pass, but will YOU?

Didn't we just have Monday last week?..

My Golden Rule: If the police didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Dear Girls waiting for their price charming,
Please stop having sex with all the frogs that approach you,
Sincerely,
The Prince Charmings.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

My biggest regrets are also my greatest accomplishments.

When on a movie date, try the old "Popcorn Trick." A girl goes to put her hand on your crotch, and SURPRISE! She gets a handful of popcorn.

Let the most beautiful dream come to u tonight. Let the sweetest person come in your dream tonight. But don’t make it a habit because I’m not free every night.

When a guy sweeps you off your feet, he's doin it coz he treats u like dirt

It was time to go home, to go home without each other. I said I love you, he said the same. I said call me when you miss me, he smiled and kissed me. I walked towards my car and my phone rang...

You probably won't remember the test you failed, but you will never forget the person you were with the night before, when you decided not to study

Girl: "If you love me why don't you ever tell me?" Boy: "Because it is hard saying I love you to a girl when you never told a girl before."

A man becomes valuable when a girl drops a tear for him

Man in hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my wife? After making call he asked how much to pay? Devil: Nothing. Hell to Hell is free.!

Alcohol doesn't solve any problem, but then, neither milk does..

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

I liked it better when Bugs Bunny was the only one always saying 'What's Up?'

abundance is the mother of contraception !

Police arrested me for killing a girl. I just proposed to her... she died out of happiness. oh jeez save me

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

I just left my girlfriend thinking there was plenty of fish in the sea, but BP soon ruined that.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

Opportunity is a bald man with a beard: You can catch him coming, but you can' t catch him going

Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face...but then again why should I improve the way you look?!

is wondering what his dad meant when he says 'I should have rolled over and shot you out the window'

The guy who discovered the milk, what the hell was he doing with the cow........

All girls are beautiful, after the lights are switched off! -Shakespeare.
All boys are strong, before the sperms are let off!- Shakespeare wife.

scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.

There would be no wars if women ran the world! Just that Nations dont speak to each other for centuries!

Doc said Multiple personalities, WHAT CRAP! WE DON'T BELIEVE HIM!

If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower back, ensure the flower is in the POT still!!

What does a burnt-toast & a pregnant girlfriend have a common thought in mind? IN BOTH CASES, THE MAN THINKS "I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN IT OUT 2 SECONDS EARLIER"

Husband&wife making a password for the computer. Man types "mypenis" wife falls on to the ground laughing bcoz computer pops up an error: TOO SHORT

FOLLOW ME.. if you want to come 2nd!

some ppl talk crap & nasty stuff behind ur back. good that u r one step AHEAD of'em!

your status is SINGLE because your heart is TAKEN!

i love the keyboard. U and I are together.

if u fail at first call it v1.1 n move on

There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

A gay prayed 2 GOD and asked "Oh! Lord, is homosexuality against ur design of human nature?" GOD: "Yes my child, I created Adam n Eve...Not Adam n Steve..

Money sure doesn't buy happiness, but its easier to cry in a porshe than on a bike.

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything!

needs a new scale...Stepped on mine today and it said "ONE PERSON AT A TIME PLEASE!

i am not drunk , i am still drinking.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I was born cool, but global warming made me hot!

I drank my 8 glasses of water today. Well... 90% water anyway, there may have been some barley, hops, and yeast mixed in there for taste

A young man looking to get married asked his friend"Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like. "Oh that's easy" his pal replied "All you have to do is find someone who's like your mother". I did that already he said "and that one my father didn't like."

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”

I'd rather open my Facebook ...... Than to
"FACE my BOOK"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot his pill And now there's little Frankie

dear neighbor who's having a loud sex everynight..pls quiet down or send invites!

You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

If strippers are now called "exotic dancers" then drug dealers should be called "exotic pharmacist"

Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"

Google turned 12 this year, which means we only have one year left to use it. When it becomes a teenager, it won't answer anything.

Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It�s only when u leave her a virgin!‌

The last thing I want to do is hurt you..... But it's still on the list.

Nope, I don't encourage piracy, I download stuff and just shut up.

I was thinking about an appropriate tagline for a massage parlor that has come up opposite McDonalds. "I'm rubbing it."

Facebook: It's like a party, but you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

Only 1% of the total gals bcom the wife of their lovers

The remaining bcom the Password to the boys email id..

I'm tired of trying to win at life the hard way, where's the cheat codes?

When you mess things up, never say "OOPS!" Always say "Ah, Interesting!"

Great! Now the voices in my head have started saying Press 1 if you want to hear this message in English!

at least u r getting a rply..
voice in my head says "services to this no. has been blocked!

These two words will open many doors for you in life.

push and pull

If a girl cancels a date, she has to, but if a boy cancels it, He has TWO!!

Whatever that doesn't kill you, beats you to a pulp!

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price!!

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead, now Mary brings that lamb to school between two slabs of bread.

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky.... The woman knows

I knew I was going bald when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face...

Some things are better left unsaid ... like those times you criticize me.

I am not perfect, I am just me..love me or hate me...the choice is yours, but know that I am always going to be just me..that's the best I can be.

I think you're beautiful. You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar!

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

If you haven't got anything nice to say
about anybody, come sit next to me

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Have a nice day. . . somewhere else.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it

I saw a butterfly with no wings this morning. So I poured some Red Bull on it...

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark

Unfortunately for me, mirrors don't talk. Lucky for you, they don't laugh either!

what's better than winning a gold medal at at the para-olympics.
Having legs.

Sum1 askd,"how does it feel to luv sum1 who doesnt luv u back?"
Aftr a deep breath I answerd, its lyk huggin a cactus. D tighter u hug,d more it hurts!

He who smiles in crisis has found someone (must) to blame.

Sucess is just like being Pregnant.. Everybody congratulates you.. But Nobdy knows.. How many times you were FUCKED for it..

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Your dating my Ex? Oh that's cool, I'm eating a cheeseburger, do you want these leftovers too??

If you say My body is a temple, then you get down on your knees and pray

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming!!!

Beauty runs in the family,but it ran past you!!

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason

English would have been much easier
if shakespear's mom had an abortion

when the world kicks your butt thank'em for pushin you forward

it takes patience to listen. it takes skill to pretend you're listenin!

Dear karma stop fucking with me don't you and god have something better to do

What did the penis say to the Condom? Cover me I'm going in !

True love is like a ghost ... Everyone talks about it but very few have seen it

Money does not buy happiness...it only pays for the illusion

WRITTEN IN A RESTAURANT : All our Waiters are married - they know how to take ORDERS!

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?

A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?

A. Good morning girls.

Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A. A wet nose.

Q. What’s the definition of trust?

A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

in my next life I want to come back as a Table Cloth, cause U get pulled off and laid 3 times a day!!!

What do gynaecologgist and pizza delivery men have in common? They always get to sniff it, but never get to eat it!

Taj Mahal is the greatest Erection ever made by a man for a woman.

Success should not go to head and
failure should not go to heart

Q:Why does every man need a woman?
A:Because the dishes would get to piled up without one

Why did God create man before
woman?
He didn't want any advice....

Didn't eat breakfast I was missin you, Didn't eat lunch I was missin you, Didn't eat supper I was missin you. Didn't sleep I was too hungry

In my personal opinion...if you hear the words "you're smothering me" you're not holding the pillow down tight enough

A NEGATIVE person sees the glass of water half empty..A POSITIVE person sees it half full..But a REALISTIC person adds Scotch Whiskey to it & says CHEERS!

Just be yourself, you idiot.

I'm the opposite of psychic. I don't
even know what I'm
thinking

3 fastest means of communication?Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten
this before.'

‎"My wife doesn't know what she
wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

an optimist is a person who calls bullshit a fertilizer

Thespaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in

Men are like commercials: sound good but you know its false advertisement.

I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like... the vending machine!;-)

I'm always in the right place at
the right time... just on the
wrong day

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me
are excellent.

Man to wife on wedding night- “ Are you sure I’ m the first man you are sleeping with?’ “ Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!’......... :) f

I should have known it was not going to
work out with my ex. It was all in the
signs. I am a Libra and she is a bitch...

If you see the teeth of the lion, do not think that the lion is smiling at you

i swear to BEER i didn drink... GOD!

One lady drove me to drinking. the irony....I never got the chance to thank her.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Dear Sleep, I am sorry.. we broke up this morning I want you back !

True friendship is when your best friend runs off with your wife and you are worried about him.

If you avoid all eggs, you'll never eat a rotten one; but then you'll never eat a good one either.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Too young.................is just a name in China.

I talk to myself when I dont find smart ppl around!

Someone told me that My life is based on a True story

1 Million sperms and you are the fastest!!!!

Life is not a box of chocolates it's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today _might burn your ass tomorrow.!

Damn true Cause of poverty:

"Indian Beds R More Fertile Than Indian Lands"

Every girl wants a guy who hugs her when they're watching a scary movie, who gives her his jacket even when he himself is feeling cold, who will always be the one to make her laugh, and most importantly he will love her for who she is................and that guy is what Google calls 'No Results Found'

What did Adam say to Eve?

Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

GOOD FRIEND: GET WELL SOON
BEST FRIEND: Howz the nurse dude?? any hot ones u found?

when someone asks u its too late why r nt u sleepin??? ask if they can... with you??? n ur ready to sleep.

DON'T GO TO BED ANGRY, SIT BACK AND PLOT YOUR REVENGE!

My dad's joined facebook, I said WTF...
Dad said: What is this WTF?
I said: Welcome To Facebook...

I am not schizophrenic, and neither am I.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

A husband was asked, do u talk 2 ur wife after sex? His answer, depends on if i can find a phone.