A man in love mistakes a PIMPLE for a DIMPLE....

I may still be single but I know that I have saved a lot of money on a wedding and even more on the divorce.

Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones!

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway

Women never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back ;

I love the birthday notification window on Facebook. It reminds of people I should delete

when god was distributing looks, I heard books, so I said,'give me something funny

my ex girl friend's status says 'standinq on the edqe of a bridqe'. . . . . .so, i poked her!

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.

Marriage is a 2-way street...the wife's way and the wrong way

I tried to say no to the vodka...but it's 40% stronger than me!!

I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well thats what M.O.M stands for"

Boys dream of what they want to achieve and become when they grow up. Girls dream of whom to achieve and marry when they grow up.

Until death do us apart ''means we're all single in heaven, right??

Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

Dear god thank you for all the good times you brought me in 2010. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name.

"Life's not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow."

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me

Life is like a blanket too short. You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night.